Introduction
Kindness (n.): the quality of being generous, helpful, and caring.
I spend much time imagining what it might look like to live a life marked by kindness and (human) kinship. On the days I feel I’m living closer to the answer, kindness emanates in moments of human connection. In the moments that I remember that tending to one another is the point of it all, after all.
“Be kind” has become a cliché. And so I want to be clear, when I speak of kindness I am not referring to platitudes, or manners, or cultural etiquettes. Not the “be kind” that actually means, “share.” Or the “be nice” that actually means, “edit the truth” [which is not kindness at all]. I am, rather, speaking about a type of kindness that runs much deeper.
A kindness sees the needs, wants, hopes, dreams, fears, gifts, and ideas of ourselves and of others. A type of kindness that says, “I see you,” that shows, “I hear you,” that expresses, “I value you,” that makes it known: “you belong here.” A kind of kindness that reminds ourselves of the same thing.
Perhaps, really, what I am speaking of, is love.
This type of loving-kindness will present itself in many ways. From a moment of eye-contact, to a deep listening ear. It may look like expressing gratitude to another, or helping another, or encouraging another. It may look like giving- our things, our talents, our time. It might look like listening rather than fixing, or like holding a boundary rather than leaning. It may look like sharing the toy. It will look like sharing our lives.
There are a host of research-backed psychological, physiological, and interpersonal benefits to kindness. Bio-chemically, humans appear to be wired for kindness. Kindness stimulates the release of oxytocin (a hormone that works to boost social relationships while also reducing stress and anxiety) and serotonin (a neurotransmitter that elevates mood). Engaging in acts of kindness makes us happy, increases life satisfaction and improves general well-being. Acts of kindness strengthen relationships and increase peer acceptance. And research indicates that children who are kind, helpful, and cooperative in their school years are more likely to attain higher academic achievements and even to earn more money 30 years later.
And yet, although we are “wired” for kindness, it does not seem to be an automatic human reflex. Researchers suggest that two of the leading barriers to kindness are stress and pride (particularly group pride- i.e. groups unified by politics, religion, or even a sports team). Stress, we know, turns us inward, while pride divides. Both increase focus on “me” at the expense of the human “we.”
The good news? Kindness is a quality that can be grown (and that appears to be “contagious”). Watching others engage in acts of kindness makes us more likely to be kind. Talking about kindness makes us more likely to be kind. Focusing on the good makes us more likely to notice the good.
In our hyper i-centric world, kindness reminds us that we belong to one another. May we tend to each other well. May we blossom and bloom. May we kindle kindness and kinship each step of the way.
Week One:
To Affirm: There is goodness here.
To Kindle: Pay attention. Shine a light on acts of kindness- the ones you see and the ones you do. Create a kindness list on your phone to remember acts of kindness. Or create a kindness wall (or jar) in your home- fill it with sticky notes to celebrate acts of kindness in your lives and in your community.
a. For Kids: Create a kindness wall or jar. Spend time every day talking about ways you showed kindness or witnessed kindness in your home/ school/ community. [When researchers ask people what makes a good life, adults most often answer with responses pertaining to kindness and quality relationships, while young people most often report measures such as money, career and status. Ensure we model that kindness gets our attention].
To Affirm: I see the light of others. Everyone is a light-bearer.
Week Two:
To Kindle: Create space for connection. We may not be able to eliminate all stress from our lives, but consider one part of your routine that you can reduce some hurry in order to add some space for connection. Can you wake up five minutes earlier to allow for more patience on a typically rushed morning? Can you say ìnoî to something in order to leave (more) space for someone(s)? Can you turn off your phone for uninterrupted time with friends or family?
a. For Kids: Affirm others. Ask kids to make a list of some of the key people in their lives. Then, ask them to identify one thing that they love about each person. Identifying positive qualities in others is an empathy-building exercise. [Challenge for adults: complete this exercise- be sure to include one or two people to whom it is more difficult for you to extend kindness. See if/how this shifts your
relationship].
Week Three:
To Affirm: I am worthy of love [now]. I am worthy of grace [now]. I love myself/ I love who I am becoming.
To Kindle: Practice self-kindness. We often speak with more kindness toward others than we do to ourselves. Practice monitoring your thoughts and offering yourself kindness for the journey you are on (none of us have arrived), grace for the mistakes that you make (we all make mistakes), and encouragement toward the goals you wish to achieve (Keep going!) Remind yourself that perfection is not a prerequisite for love, and that the person you are right now, is worthy of loving-kindness and care.
a. For Kids: Practice self-kindness affirmations. I am loved. I am kind. I am brave. I learn from my mistakes. I believe in myself. I can do it.
Week Four:
To Affirm: I am a beacon of love.
To Kindle: Build a habit. Choose one day this week to commit to performing 5 acts of kindness. Research indicates stronger long-term effects when acts of kindness are performed in clusters. So choose one day this week to intentionally pour kindness out into the world. (Some ideas to get you started: hold the door open for the person behind you, express gratitude to someone in your life, donate blood, cheer on your ìfriendsî on social media, volunteer in your community, pick up litter, bake cookies/ make art/ sing a song for a friend/relative, buy coffee for the person behind you in line).
a. For Kids: Build a habit. Make an acts of kindness list. See how many you can check off this week.
EXTRA CREDIT
Write a letter of encouragement or gratitude to someone in your life.
To consider:
Where did you see kindness today?
What do you love about how you spend your days?
